I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
