batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
