finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize