These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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