Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
