she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
