Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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