shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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