How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
