look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize