Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
