i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
