It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
