There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
