Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
