Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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