I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
