i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
don't judge my taste in strippers
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
