I'm gonna have a badass scar
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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