I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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