I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
