Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
