Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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