I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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