My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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