i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
