Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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