we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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