I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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