eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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