i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
