I puked a lego.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
