Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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