There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Randomize
