census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
