At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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