Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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