Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize