I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
