mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
