I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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