Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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