i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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