Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
