Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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