The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
