I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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