You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
