Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Terrible idea I love it
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
