I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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