I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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