it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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