I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
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