Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
