Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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