Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
