I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This is the high leading the old right now
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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