If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Floor bacon is actually really good
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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