I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Randomize
