Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize