I'm lost and stupid without you.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
