why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
