i was born a porn star she said
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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