I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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