I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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