good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wanna passion pit in your ass
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize