remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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