I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
