we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
