your room smells of hookers.
And success
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
